DARIO ARGENTO YOU TWAT. Don't know where to start here. I've never been a huge fan of the mans work but iconic movies like Suspiria and Inferno are so highly regarded that I'm willing to admit there is something of substance there that I've just not picked up on. But after this, I'm tempted to say that not only is the emperor in the nude, but he's got a micropenis and strange balls. The story...Asia argento (director's daughter, hopeless actress, looks like uma thurman after a month of hard nights) discovers a magic red t-shirt which unleashes a wave of violence and anarchy across Rome (this breakdown of society is portrayed by about ten extras running around breaking car windscreens and flinging babies off bridges) as an ancient (and extremely foxy and mostly naked) witch is resurrected, and, armed with her magic red t-shirt and a gaggle of special-needs followers, plans to unleash a new dark age upon the earth. That was quite a long sentence. The movie itself is incredibly gruesome and mind-blowingly awful.
After the first ludicrously OTT on-screen killing - museum worker is mutilated, stabbed and gut-strangled by a mob of monkey-controlled mentalists - you are not sure whether you are watching some kind of bizarre satire or simply a horror maestro willfully shoving his movie credibility so far up his sphincter than a oral hygienist would be required to retrieve it. Good gore fx. Acting so bad it "transcends" bad acting and enters a weird and unique void also populated by the "cast" of the video sequences of the original resident evil, soft porn and Keanu Reeves. And a final shot that will have you staring in disbelief at its sheer unbelievable cackitude-ishness. All that said...I wasn't bored. The excessive violence and nudity kept my inner serial killer watching. But it's not so bad it's good, it's so bad it's f**king c**ting s**t.
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