GRACE

Eurgh! More bad babies! This one has had a fair bit of hype, and the director has been mooted as a protege of Eli roth. What..? Thats a recommendation? After an accident and a traumatic birth, the main character - dont know here name and couldnt be bothered finding out, that's what IMDB is for- has a seemingly normal baby. But it aint. Its a wrong un. It's not happy with milk. Its needs something more....so the distraught mother goes to various lengths to pacify this vampiric twat of a baby. She tries cow blood, siphoned off from frozen meat from the local supermarket. Baby doesnt like it. So things just get worse and of course a few human cadavers show up and well....this is an icky movie. it takes itself very seriously and actually carries off such a mental and to be honest tasteless premise quite well...but its not fun to watch. it will make your skin crawl. Dont watch this if you have a young one yourself because it may force the point home that your little bundle of joy that has the cutest smile is, in fact, a blank-eyed soulless parasite. Have a broody missus with a touch of the baby-fever? Show her this...she'll be on the phone booking you a vasectomy before the credits have finished rolling.

The Gene Generation - like the Matrix, except cheap and retarded

Bai Ling's breasts.

Alright, now lets move onto the bad points. This is a sci-fi adaptation of an obscure comic (sorry, GRAPHIC NOVEL) which seems to be a william gibson-derived cyberpunk (hate that word but my vocabulary doesnt have any other words to describe "vaguely blade-runnery, grimy dystopian future setting") The rather fetching Bai Ling is an assassin hunting down DNA-thieves or summat, despite the fact that she seems to ignore the stealth approach and strides around looking like a intergalactic raver in goth boots and hot pants - god forbid we have a slightly overweight moon-faced female killer with greasy hair, she's an assassin so she has to be SHEXSY.

So there's some mad plot about a stolen widget that can do...stuff..there are some boring action scenes and the entire thing look like it was filmed in three locations, her apartment, a corridor and some kind of foundry. Except for the exterior scenes, which look like some obscure japanese PS2 game intro (red sky over futuristic landscape with zeppelins and archaic boat-things floating overhead.) Theres a hilariously gratuitous sex scene and a whole load of awful supporting characters who do little but act as plot points and irritations.The micro-budget shows through at every seam and really....I admire ambition but this is trying to remake the matrix with your mates and a copy of after Effects. Avoid, unless you like seeing fit asian actresses looking hot and angry. So in fairness, its actually is probably worth, not a thumbs up, but maybe a mild trouser twitch of a recommendation.

District 9 - Master of the Pron!

Watch this...

Right thats the premise out of the way...

Giant alien mothership has been suspended motionless over johannesburg for 20 years. A million malnourished and scabby aliens have been airlifted out of it and set up in their own shantytown directly underneath it. The government decide to move them all on to specially designated concentration camps outside the city and the movie kicks off with paramilitary police and contractors moving in to serve eviction notices on all the inhabitants of district 9.
But some of them dont want to go...


The aliens themselves are mostly an unsavoury lot, essentially they are a mob of intergalactic pikeys, and District 9 is like a giant squalid halting site. And like travellers, you really wouldnt want to live next door to them. They'd get sick on your lawn, eat your car tires and urinate everywhere. Actually its probably like living next door to Reaper. They are mostly - with a few more notable exceptions - a fairly grimy lot of mardy chitinous bipedal crustacean idiots who like a bit of a ruck, scrambling around the junkhills and shantytowns of D9 dossing about in the streets and trading alien weaponry for catfood with dodgy nigerian gangsters.The parallels to the travelling community are unmistakeable. Except for the whole alien Weapons thing. SOME OF THEM EVEN WEAR PINK F**KING BRAS

There were rumours of debut director Neil Blomkamp helming the long-rumoured Halo-movie. After seeing this I think it could actually work. The CG is outstanding...the aliens are perfectly realised, if a little generic - Im sure ive met these guys before in some console game - and fit seamlessly into the handheld action. The movie itself begins in a quasi-documentary style before morphing into a chase/action flick with large quantities of fantastic ultraviolence and cronenberg style body horror. The final confrontation is a particularly spectacular bloothbath involving exploding body parts, mech-suits and pig missiles. Everything flies past at a blistering pace and is so densely layered and detailed that it will really reward repeat viewings. There is room for a sequel...but I really hope that doesnt happen. The end is perfect.


Brilliant. NOW DON'T POINT YOUR FOLKING TENTACLE AT ME YOU FOLKING PRON
by Master Gi-Bag

Grotesque - Gewy not Chewy!

Whooo! We've got a live one here! There's been talk- and a spectacularly grim trailer - on the web for a while for this Japanese torture-porn, and having just watched it, i have to say...PASS THE F**KING SICK BAG VICAR. As clearly inspired by 80's pseudo snuff Guinea Pig, there is no plot, which is great, saves me having to type it out, because the entire thing is an hour and a bit of a mentalist torturing and dismembering a young couple than he has seemingly plucked at random off the streets. After about 15-20 minutes of pointless rambling and some wholly distasteful sexual abuse, he ups the ante, declares he will spare one if the other takes his/her place, and then goes to town of them with a chainsaw, icepick, hammer, scissors...you know, the usual.

It is of course complete and utter rubbish and genuinely reprehensible, but I have to admit I enjoyed it in a "Eaargh, no, not the balls" kind of way. There is no way in hell its going to get past the censors over this neck of the woods so you'll need to "acquire" it in other ways...down with this sort of thing etc. Ah it seems it actually has been officially banned!
By Master Gi-Bag

Embodiment of Evil - o reaper é um homossexual!

EMBODIMENT OF EVIL

Here's an odd one. A brazilian sequel to a horror series last seen 40(!!) years ago, main character an underground cult figure called Coffin Joe. He (CJ) is released from prison and immediately embarks on a quest to mate and create a perfect child. Never mind the fact that this is a portly pensioner who resembles a homeless paedophile magician with three inch fingernails, hordes of stunning brazilian beauties flood to him to offer their wombs to him, but as he's old and probably not got much lead in his pencil he just tortures the hell out of them instead. One unfortunate girl eats her own bottom, another gets a cheese-frenzied rat up somewhere you really dont want a rat.

>

CJ himself is hilarious, the acting is so over the top that the words CHEESE and HAM are just entirely inadequate. The whole affair in incredibly camp and OTT, and just...hilariously bad. And wince-inducingly torture-y. But does have many nudey women! Thumbs up for brazilian slappers, thumbs down for everything else.

Its Alive - or is it?!

When i was a young Gi-bag I used to have an unwelcome reoccuring dream where I'm having relations with a hugely pregnant woman. Just on the vinegar stroke the fetus grabs my member and pulls me into the womb and eats me. This movie...brought those dreams back with a vengeance. It's a remake of Larry Cohens 80's cheapo schlock-horror (original cover above...couldnt find the new one on google images!), but shares little other than the main feature...a doublehard, cannibalistic c**t of a baby.

Everyone knows babys are inherently violent anyway. They pull hair, bite, punch you with flabby fists and aim unerringly at testicles with flailing bootee-ed feet. (note i dont have any children myself...last time I met my newborn nephew my sister asked me to wind him...i thought that was a bit cruel so i just gave him a dead arm instead) In the original movie the baby was an ugly rubber-headed mutant of a thing. In this one the baby looks normal most of the time, but frequently goes off on one and when it does its blood and entrails everywhere. Even when being born, the little bollix manages to wipe out 2 doctors and 2 nurses. You read that last bit right, IT KILLS 4 PEOPLE WHILE BEING BORN

The main problem here of course is credibility. And the movie struggles to even come close...most kills are of the victim-gets-pulled-offscreen-blood-spurts-out variety. Because they know that the sight of a ninja-powered monsterbaby will cause hilarity whatever the circumstance. Plot, meh, kid born, kills lots of things, mother takes it home and goes a bit mental looking after it. Various characters drop by the house and meet messy ends. Not even sure why the baby was a wrong un in the first place...something to do with pills off the internet?

The acting is awful, and there is one character...the kid in the wheelchair...who seems to serve no purpose whatsoever.Why is he there? Did he win a competition? Technical stuff is all adequate, Im giving this one a bare pass just because I like to see bad actors killed by babies.
By Master Gi-Bag

Anti Christ - Send him back to daddy!

You've no doubt doubt heard a bit about this one. Hysterical reports of mass walkouts and people crying and getting sick in the aisles, no hang on I'm confusing it with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of A Load of Alien Bollix. Yes...yes I can feel my sphinter pulsing ominously just thinking about that excrement-smeared screaming boil-encrusted abortion of a movie. And abortion is a suitable lead-in to Lars Von Triers newest, er, opus, AntiChrist. Because I'm sure I recall a deer abortion in this movie. Or was that Willems Defoes' penis? I'm not sure, this movie is so jaw-droppingly pretentious, hilariously gratuitous and exquisitely tedious that i actually began to forget the movie while in the process of watching it, whole sequences of muttered dialogue, boring dream sequences and shouty domestic tension folding in on themselves and imploding like craig t nelson's house at the end of Poltergeist.

It's about 2 hours long, theres about 30-40 seconds of quite explicit imagery...the now-infamous cliterectomy, the intro sequence's x-rated "piston" shot and the also-infamous Bloodwank (Charlotte Gainsburg bashes Bill Defoes scrote with a large stone thing. Then she looks at his prone unconscious body and notices....he's only gone and thrown a rod, despite his massive testicular trauma! So she grabs the tumescent prosthetic/stunt nob and proceeds to knock one out, only to recieve, not a healthy gush of baby batter, but several highly-realistic looking spurts of blood! It is definitely a cringeworthy scene, and not one to think about if you are throwing it up your missus ) Story...ehhh....couple lose their child (he falls out the window while they are having it away) and they head off to a cabin and...ah I couldnt be bothered.

This really does seem like the work of a misanthropic film student, its truly beyond parody. I have loathed all of Von triers previous work and this just confirms my previous prejudices...he's a chancer, and he needs to GTFO. C**t!
By Master Gi-Bag

District 9 - Get your prawns half price!

Allow me to welcome our new movie guru, Master Gi-Bag. He shall be sharing his weird and wonderful insight of the movie world and has a taste for the unusual as well as the normal celluloid offerings. He shall delight and horrify you with his opinions... but it will keep you reading, of that I have little doubt!

Coming soon from Master Gi-Bag - District 9 review