Hungover Weekend January Roundup Special Omnibus Compilation Edition

I feel very poorly! So I'm going to hit these reviews fast and hard, like a nude Usain Bolt chasing a shopping trolley full of vaginas and weed.

 THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL - Your own house is probably significantly more interesting.

 I'm not very patient in general, and slow movies make me quite angry. This is my life and its running out one minute at a time, so I resent filmmakers who dont get on with providing entertainment on demand...I'm dying here! Now there's Slow, and there's Slow... and then there's THOTD. First thing that will strike you is how cleverly its been created to resemble a movie from the late 70's/early 80's. Dont run away, that's actually quite cool and really convincing, but move itself is so boring it's borderline offensive.

Story's about a cash-strapped but hot student who babysits for some strange people in a remote house by a graveyard....she strolls around, eats some pizza, listens to her walkman....nothing happens until the last 10 minutes by which time you'll probably have chewed your own feet off in boredom. Seems more like a below-par episode of Masters of Horror than a stand-alone movie, and would have benefitted from being AT LEAST 40 minutes shorter. Considering the movie is only 90 mins long, thats harsh criticism. Dozed off twice.

 GROWTH - its naaad a tumuh...

 ...its actually some horribly leechy worm things! Short but not particularly sweet body horror-thriller thingy about a mad genetic experiment gone wrong on an island populated by rubes and bad actors. The CG parasite are rendered moderately well, but the budget shows through and we see a lot more of the boring infected humans than the actual squidgy little feckers.

These mardy molluscs dont give you socially inconvenient arse-itch, but in fact make their hosts superstrong with bruce lee reflexes and lady-killing mojo powers....Women just cant resist an infected leechy lad...until they clock the hideous wormy thing hanging out of him. Yeah...what man can't relate to that? Decent intro, slow middle third, no real protagonist and the fat sheriff gets some truly fist-bitingly awful lines. Watch Slither instead.

 UN PROPHET - Je voudrais dormir! Garkon, etc

Very well received French prison thriller about a juvenile arab hoodlum who gets thrown into chokey where he gets involved with dodgy corsican mobsters. Some horrendous razor-blade-related activity early on, then it just gets a bit drawn out and dull.

I may watch it again though, it's clearly an intelligent and well-made piece that deserves better than me watching it after about seven pints and then dismissing it like a midget butler with a badly mixed martini. I will return....

DANTE'S INFERNO - Hell-o!

Based on a recent video game apparently...ask Reaper. I had some bug-eyed experiences with japanese manga in the early 90s (delightful tentacle-f**king and vein-popping fare like Uroksokidoji: Legend of the Overfiend and Fist of The North Star) and this is cut from the same bodily-fluid-soaked cloth.

Doublehard Crusader loses his missus to some twat of a demon and follows her to hell, where he goes truly medieval on armies of insectile babies, vagivourous succubi and his own mutated demonic dad. Stereotypical limited, massively-eyed jap animation with occasional CG elements, OTT voice acting and a break every 15 minutes for a end-level boss battle...still it's gory and outlandish enough to warrant a look.