If, like me, you've experienced a five hour train journey involving intense stomach cramps, a broken toilet door and an old woman staring at your penis then you will agree that there is definite horror potential involving public transport. This shameless load of old c*ck however is an example of exactly how not to fulfill that potential. After being relatively benevolent with the last crop of movies to mysteriously materialise on my hard drive it's time to put the boot in again. And what better recipient of a internet-based shoe-ing than another cheap and graphic Hostel rip-off? It's a group of hapless american travellers who start to get graphically dismantled by sinister sweaty eastern european villains, who bring the hapless victims to a dungeon-like room where they cut bits off, except this time...IT'S ON A TRAIN...HENCE THE TITLE. "TRAIN". YEAH? BRILLIANT.
It stars Thora Birch, who I though looked familiar, so I had a look at the Internet Movie Database thing to view her "oeuvre" (french for "egg"). I vaguely remembered her starring alongside Scarlett Johanssen in a strange indie-ish movie called Ghost World a few years back. While Ms Johanssen and her large breasts have inexplicably become incredibly famous and has a perfume named after her/them, the rather more bovine-looking Ms Birch is doing Hostel on a Train.
Badly written, shambolic, gore-onically graphic ripoff that's so spectacularly gratuitious that it would be borderline offensive if it wasnt so laughably bad. Not as berserk as Grotesque but it's pretty hard core. Could be even bloodier, as it looks like some of its more explicit scenes have been crudely cut, but maybe that's just the editing style and par for the course...you can't polish a turd, even if you pop it in the freezer first.
Choo choo!
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