If 300 and Rome had a boss-eyed, mewling low-budget tv baby...then Spartacus: Blood and Sand is it. Someone is going to fired for this...unbelievably crass, cheap and derivative yet also highly amusing car crash soft porn-afterfx orgy starring a load of antipodean non-actors and 3d backgrounds...Its the start of a new series by a previously unknown company called STARZ, which seem to be the tesco value equivalent of HBO's Rome. Rome was a violent, profane sex-filled soapy romp through the vaults of the Roman Republic but at the same time was also intelligent, educational and beautifully crafted.
This...well, it stars Xena the Warrior Princess getting fingerbanged by a bored menial while john hannah is getting his crank gobbled by another willing subservient. Yep, thats the acting apex we're achieving here. What this has to do with THE spartacus is a mystery...all I know is S:B+S=
1. Lots of CGBlood. i mean...lots. Stupid amounts. Mental amounts. Parody-esque amounts.
2. Nudey women/wholly gratuitous sex scenes. +10
3. Men walking around with their knobs out. Bloodthirsty gays will love this show, lots of oiled pecs and muscle marys strutting about. And why not? BRING ON THE PENII
4. Abysmal acting and script
5. Hilariously derivative 300-esque muzak by everyone's favourite musical magpie, Joseph deLuca
The plot....thracean hardcase mercenary is double-crossed by his evil roman masters, given a good kicking, wife taken, and he's thrown into gladiator school, where he gets trained as a elite gladiator who becomes a big hit with the baying roman crowds while he harbors thought of revenge...gladiatory revenge. What does that sound like to you? Hmm....Have I made it sound terrible? It certainly is, yet also hideously compulsive. I'll be watching the next episode. So will you. Unless youre a lesbian. Or very intelligent. Or both.
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