2010 - line em up and knock em down!

I know it's late! JE SUIS EN RETARD, as they say in Rome. What do you mean, where have I been? Where have YOU been fatty? Real life man...well I had a lump on my balls. There. I know you've been waiting for your latest fix of movie-slandering but its hard to write a poxing movie review when you are awkwardly microwaving your testicles because some idiot on the internet said it was a good way to reduce nodular swelling. So I had to go to the doctor...needless to say I threw a rod as soon as the rubber gloves came out so as I sit here in Casa de Gi-bag with a overwhelming sense of toe curling humiliation, new year trepidation and a severely burnt penis I ask you...were 2010's crop of films even worse that 2009?

Of course they were. Maybe. Let have a look.

FILM OF THE YEAR - KICKASS / TOY STORY 3

To be honest, the best entertainment this year was on TV. There was the Walking Dead (good, but too short), Boardwalk Empire (good, but too long) The Pacific (veered wildly between awesome and merely average) and Spartacus: Blood and Sand, which was f**king amazingly enjoyable. I'd give Spartacus my gold medal for this year right away but as its not an actual movie lets go with...
A tie. Kickass - funny, violent and unexpected. TS3 - Unsurprisingly excellent. Pixar are still the big dog.

WORST MOVIE - SHITEMARE ON ELM STREET

I could list some cheapo sleaze like Header or amateurish tat like Birdemic, but I'm actually going to go with the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, which was about as necessary and welcome as an erection in a creche. Lazy, clumsy and generally just unbelievably cynical. Shameful. The whole remake/reboot thing is really starting to wear me down now.


MOST OVERRATED MOVIE - INCEPTION
Hang on...I'm not saying it was bad...it was of course pretty good. But it really is a shocking state of affairs when  there is actually only one "intelligent" blockbuster all year, and as a result its by default everyone's fav flick. Cool effects, interesting plot, awesome soundtrack but just didnt quite scale the heights for me. And I'm sick of Leonardo de Caprios frown and tiny mouth.

RUNNER-UP - BLACK SWAN
Strange, disjointed and pretentious psychomological thriller thing about obsession, ballet and lesbiany stuff. A strange but suitable companion piece to The Wrestler, which also seemed to get excessive critical mileage out of handheld camerawork and overwrought performances. Maybe Professional Wresting and Ballet have more in common than fans of either would like to admit.

And as an addendum to that...
SCARIEST WOMAN OF THE YEAR
Well now I dont know if you remember Barbara Hershey as the comely ghost-raped milf from The Entity but she's the mom in Black Swan....brrrr. TOO MUCH SURGERY BARBARA YOU CAT-FACED REVENANT

GOLDEN SICKBAG AWARD

Serbian Film - Well made but whoa, come on lads. Harsh...genuinely harsh. Extremely unpleasant but made by people with genuine if dark talent and massive potential.
Human Centipede - Twisted concept gets it a mention here, but the movie itself wasnt as OTT as suggested. Think of it as Misery with added arse to mouth action.

Eh...thats it...