DRIVE ANGRY - a look into the fevered mind of Jeremy Clarkson as he sleep-masturbates drunk and sweating at 3am after watching a double bill of The Dukes of Hazzard and Spawn

Here's another big step in Nicolas Cage's relentless quest to establish himself as the all-time A list actor with the worst resume in Hollywood history. "Awful script? Dodgy haircut? Where do I sign maaan?" ...His latest opus Drive Angry is a amazingly crude, ultraviolent action-horror shambles from Hell itself. It's got a huge body count. Terrible 3d and terrible cg. It's got classic american muscle cars for the geeky petrolheads to leer at, and the tragically sapphic Amber Heard for the rest of us. It's a grindhouse movie, if grindhouse has now become a new label for movies that you have to be at least partially drunk and a bit thick to "appreciate" properly. I'd charitably describe it as a live action adaptation of a comic book scribbled on walls by a frenzied child in a muzzle. In crayon.

The script...well can you really call people swearing at each other for 90 minutes while a vague plot meanders along behind them a script?  I really imagine the writing process went something like this:

WRITER1: Dude I have to write something..I have to write some...words
WRITER2: Ehh...how about.."F**k you motherf**ker, F**k, f**k. C**t?
WRITER1: Yeah man! This writing thing is like, totally hard but also like, rewarding?
WRITER2: Dont forget bro, lots of boobs man. Heh...boobs
WRITER1: Uh huh huh huh huh. Boobs!

There's no point being snobby about it though. As long as a movie like Drive Angry delivers enough gratuitous gore and naked women to keep my chimplike inner 16 year old grinning spastically and feeling himself through his pants then I can forgive a lot.

The plot is...immortal badass Cage escapes from Hell and drives around angrily killing lots of ugly people while looking for a baby and listening to a sub-skynyrd soundtrack. He's tooled up with some legendary shotgun, paired up with a hot blond and tailed by a supernatural repo man figure. Despite me slagging it off for nearly this entire review, it is actually highly enjoyable, even though (or maybe because) it's so adolescently hyper it makes Crank2 look like The Remains of the Day.

I dont understand the closing credits sequence though. It appears they ran out of money and just decided to stick a cat on a skateboard and roll it slowly down a road with a camera on its head. Why?