BBFC BANS HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2

If you've seen the original Human Centipede then you're aware that it really wasnt "that" bad...it suggested more than it actually showed and was a mildly entertaining laugh on it's own deeply wrong terms. However it looks like something has gone a bit mental with the sequel...read on...

This new work, The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), tells the story of a man who becomes sexually obsessed with a DVD recording of the first film and who imagines putting the 'centipede' idea into practice. Unlike the first film, the sequel presents graphic images of sexual violence, forced defecation, and mutilation, and the viewer is invited to witness events from the perspective of the protagonist.Whereas in the first film the 'centipede' idea is presented as a revolting medical experiment, with the focus on whether the victims will be able to escape, this sequel presents the 'centipede' idea as the object of the protagonist's depraved sexual fantasy.

The principal focus of The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) is the sexual arousal of the central character at both the idea and the spectacle of the total degradation, humiliation, mutilation, torture, and murder of his naked victims. Examples of this include a scene early in the film in which he masturbates whilst he watches a DVD of the original Human Centipede film, with sandpaper wrapped around his penis, and a sequence later in the film in which he becomes aroused at the sight of the members of the 'centipede' being forced to defecate into one another's mouths, culminating in sight of the man wrapping barbed wire around his penis and raping the woman at the rear of the 'centipede'. There is little attempt to portray any of the victims in the film as anything other than objects to be brutalised, degraded and mutilated for the amusement and arousal of the central character, as well as for the pleasure of the audience. There is a strong focus throughout on the link between sexual arousal and sexual violence and a clear association between pain, perversity and sexual pleasure. It is the Board's conclusion that the explicit presentation of the central character's obsessive sexually violent fantasies is in breach of its Classification Guidelines and poses a real, as opposed to a fanciful, risk that harm is likely to be caused to potential viewers.


Well there you go, sounds like a f**king laugh riot.

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Los Ojos De Julia - EYES EYES BABY

Genuinely spooky spanish psycho thriller from the guy who brought you The Orphanage, again midwifed by the obesely talented Guileermo Del Toro. Julia's Eyes...qué es acerca de? Well, like "My Left Foot", "The Man with Two Brains" or "Hung" It's exactly what it says on the tin. A bit like ronseal. Except in this case its not a tin of  petroleum-based varnish, but instead a tin full of...eyes. Eyes going....bad. Julia has a degenerative disease which is slowly eroding her eyesight. Her twin sister had the same malady and came to a unfortunate end, but something about this seems wrong to our optically challenged heroine, who starts to delve into matters suspicious.

Beautifully shot, superb performances and just a little overlong, but well worth a look. It's gripping and mostly bloodless BUT - much like The Orphanage and its grim van vs old woman scene - when its decides to get graphic, well there's some rather unsavoury kitchen knife stabbery followed by a bit of eyeball violence that had even me, a man with ice in his blood and fire in his pants, grimacing, turning away and examining the backs of my hands for few seconds (quite hairy) The premise of gradual blindness is creepy enough, and fused with a mysterious, almost supernatural malevolent character lurking in the shadows...brrr. The ending is strange...bleak, downbeat but oddly uplifting. The main performance by Belen Rueda (who also starred in The Orphanage), is quite stunning, and that's high praise indeed coming from someone who doesnt normally see actors as much more than mobile set dressing.

 So if you fancy a trip to your local fleapit this week....Check out Los Ojos De Julia. So much more worthy of your time and hard earned moolah than some mong-pleasing tat like The Hangover 2. You'll probably see that instead, and that's why I'm writing this while you're sitting at home in your pants with a uneasy sense of self loathing.

THE WILD HUNT - Get your geek on

LARPing. That is today's acronym-derived verb. And what is "to LARP"? It stands for Live Action Role Playing and involves people gathering together at weekends and dressing up as vikings, elves or vampires and acting out a loosely defined ever-shifting scenario with dungeons and dragons style rules to govern its development. Er. To be fair it sounds shockingly uncool even for a t'internet movie geek like myself but, really, is it any worse than dressing up in military khakis and running around with a paintball gun, or dressing up as a sexy nun at halloween, or going to a murder mystery party,...alright it is worse. If you have ever stood downwind of a Games Workshop or accidentally wandered horrorstruck into a comics convention you may have a rather uncharitable preconcieved notion of the kind of human who would be drawn to LARPing but...well at least they arent f**king furries.

 It's a strange little world, and incomprehensible to those outside it, and The Wild Hunt doesnt really make any narrative concessions to outsiders. It's a simple, lowly of budget tale about a massive LARPy event in the canadian woods and a number of hairy men fighting over an undeniably beautiful but also backhand-provokingly irritable girl.

The roleplayers are a motley crue divided into knights (arthurian yeomen, probably IT workers in real life) elves (tolkienesque pointy eared lesbians) Vikings (bearded shoutymen, resemble unemployed fishermen) and the Celts (facepainted barbarians, look like sinister grindcore fans) Glib descriptions aside, there's a good mix of character types in here, they arent all malodorous endomorphs and the director is clearly aware of the inherent ridiculousness of the LARP concept still while managing to treat the characters seriously. The majority of the movie is mildly amusing and trundles along agreeably at a sedate pace until a rather shocking and unexpected downbeat climax that changes the film's entire tone.

By the hammer of Odin! It's well shot, solidly acted and if it seems a little overlong even at a mere eighty-odd minutes, the last 15 or so elevate The Wild Hunt from a "meh" to a "Hmm...not bad".

DRIVE ANGRY - a look into the fevered mind of Jeremy Clarkson as he sleep-masturbates drunk and sweating at 3am after watching a double bill of The Dukes of Hazzard and Spawn

Here's another big step in Nicolas Cage's relentless quest to establish himself as the all-time A list actor with the worst resume in Hollywood history. "Awful script? Dodgy haircut? Where do I sign maaan?" ...His latest opus Drive Angry is a amazingly crude, ultraviolent action-horror shambles from Hell itself. It's got a huge body count. Terrible 3d and terrible cg. It's got classic american muscle cars for the geeky petrolheads to leer at, and the tragically sapphic Amber Heard for the rest of us. It's a grindhouse movie, if grindhouse has now become a new label for movies that you have to be at least partially drunk and a bit thick to "appreciate" properly. I'd charitably describe it as a live action adaptation of a comic book scribbled on walls by a frenzied child in a muzzle. In crayon.

The script...well can you really call people swearing at each other for 90 minutes while a vague plot meanders along behind them a script?  I really imagine the writing process went something like this:

WRITER1: Dude I have to write something..I have to write some...words
WRITER2: Ehh...how about.."F**k you motherf**ker, F**k, f**k. C**t?
WRITER1: Yeah man! This writing thing is like, totally hard but also like, rewarding?
WRITER2: Dont forget bro, lots of boobs man. Heh...boobs
WRITER1: Uh huh huh huh huh. Boobs!

There's no point being snobby about it though. As long as a movie like Drive Angry delivers enough gratuitous gore and naked women to keep my chimplike inner 16 year old grinning spastically and feeling himself through his pants then I can forgive a lot.

The plot is...immortal badass Cage escapes from Hell and drives around angrily killing lots of ugly people while looking for a baby and listening to a sub-skynyrd soundtrack. He's tooled up with some legendary shotgun, paired up with a hot blond and tailed by a supernatural repo man figure. Despite me slagging it off for nearly this entire review, it is actually highly enjoyable, even though (or maybe because) it's so adolescently hyper it makes Crank2 look like The Remains of the Day.

I dont understand the closing credits sequence though. It appears they ran out of money and just decided to stick a cat on a skateboard and roll it slowly down a road with a camera on its head. Why?